Have I Got News For You

Well I haven't really, only in the sense of the telly programme of the same name. Like this decree by the Advertising Standards Authority that says only ugly blokes can appear in drinks ads. I can feel a career change coming on. Picture this:

Parrot strolls on set somewhere in the West Indies. Floppy velvet hat and cape are handed over to wardrobe to reveal white flesh and not much by way of muscley bits. Parrot belly-flops into blue-lagoon pool, thrashes his way to poolside bar, behind which is a dark-eyed beauty.

"I know what you want," with the sexiness in her voice of Betty Marsden. "A pint of Thwaites Mild."

"Now you're talking," says the Parrot, gulping down the dark liquid in one. The camera zooms as he wipes the froth from his lips in a manly gesture, then closer still for a sparkling smile. **Burp**

"Sorry, sorry, sorry luvvies! Let's do that again."

By take 16: "Shorry, shorry, whatsyername. Lesh do this agen. Termorra maybe. Ye've all bin grate though!"

I would never have to buy a drink again.